Bob Marley

“It is life in slow motion,

it’s the heart in reverse,

it’s a hope and a half:

too much and too little at once.”

– The Wait; Rainer Maria Rilke

I’m trying to cultivate my literary side by reading poetry as often as I can. Well actually,my geeky self is just trying to kill boredom by reading poems online. My  recent favorites were written by a German poet in the person of Rainer Maria Rilke. I first came across his works after reading a book entitled “Ghost Dance”. I’ve forgotten about him since, but I remember liking the lyrical quality of his poems. Plus, I was also intrigued by his name. I was trying to figure out if he was a ‘he’ or a ‘she’.

I’m not going to talk about him really. I want to talk about this particular stanza in his poem “The Wait”. Lately, I feel like I’m doing a lot of waiting. Waiting for things, waiting on people, waiting in vain. Haha. The world has suddenly slowed down, and I’m slightly disoriented. I told a friend about this suspicion of the world’s sluggish pace. He said that the world has always paced that way-neither slow nor fast- maybe it’s just me who has gotten more hurried and impatient. I wonder if that is true though.

I am impatient most times, but I don’t think I’ve gotten more impatient. There is just something so unnerving about waiting. Unnerving. How come I find waiting unnerving? What I discovered is that I don’t like waiting, not because I’m impatient, or because I believe I’m entitled to be served right away. It has more to do with pragmatics. I think that the time I spent waiting could be used to do other things. Or finish chores. Or I don’t know. Just something. That is why I often bring a book when I know I’ll be waiting in line for a long time. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, an assurance that time was not wasted.

For Starters

This is shamefully annoying. After several months of being in hiatus, I’m back to my blog again. I’m annoyed because this blog just proves what a loser I am at finishing anything I start. I created this site two years ago, and I haven’t been religious in my writing regimen. 

Well, to my credit, I still keep a journal, and I occasionally jot down thoughts on paper, on table napkins, on photocopies, et cetera et cetera. But but but. 

I never completely understood the concept behind appetizers or starters. I mean, what are they supposed to do? Oh right, they’re supposed to stimulate your taste buds so your tongue would be jumping on its feet when the main course arrives. And and and, the appetizer should not make you full. It merely foils the entrance of the superstar: the main entree.

The point is, I should stop overthinking this writing-and-publishing thing. Who cares if I’m dishing out too much appetizer? Eventually, the main dish is going to arrive anyway. And, truth be told,, I like my salads more than my steaks. 

Perpetual Motion

It takes a great effort for me to stay put. 

During mealtime conversations, I cannot just sit still and do nothing. I’d grab a napkin and draw on it. If no pen is available, I’d tore it to shreds. Sometimes, I would chew on the straw. Or peel off the white film from the food wrapper. In the end, my side of the table would look like a bulldozed village of tissues and food wrappings.

Stability leads me to a state of paranoia. It is as if the state of stillness is a deception to lure me into believing that I am in full control of the world I am in. The lull, in my discovery, is simply a prologue to an inevitable tragedy that you can rarely see coming. Thus, one needs to keep moving, to stay alert for the slightest change in the surroundings. One should have the ability to spot telltale signs that people around no longer dress the same way and no longer talk about the things they used to be passionate about. At the slightest sign of alteration, one can flee. But sometimes, one can stay and move with the transformation.

(Note: random ramblings at 4 in the morning)

100 Experiences of 2013

1. went to the beach
2. Baguio Trip
3. Organized some tournament
4. Ran for an election
5. Met cousins
6. Went on dates
7. Got crazy in EK
8. Learned what security meant
9. Asked comfort from friends
10. Learned how to ride a bike
11. Headed an application process
12. Turned 20
13. Bought books!
14.Commited to a thesis topic
15. Cried over many things
16. Moved to a new place
17. Spent countless sleepless nights
18. Humbled by not knowing/ understanding/ overcoming everything
19. Reminded of being weak and scared
20. Made new friends
21. Reconnected with old ones
22. Understood what “heart” stands for
23. Visited Cambodia
24. Heard encouraging stories
25. Took lots of pictures
26. Tasted new food
27. Discovered the charm of Cambodia
28. Tried to move on
29. Watched way too many movies
30. Hurt and got hurt
31. Cried abundantly
32. Rested
33. Remembered sweet memories
34. Greeted a special person on his birthday
35. Revisited Job’s story
36. Enjoyed a free massage
37. Missed a flight
38. Received longed- for calls
39. Finished the copies of series
40. Read books
41. Shared a testimony
42. Said “no”
43. Got scared
44. Interviewed families from a community
45. Slept- over at friends’ places
46. Kept some secrets
47. Cried during road trips
48. Escaped
49. Watched plays
50. Consulted advisers
51. Gave up on choices
52. Listened
53. Bought gifts
54. Received “dream camera”
55. Exchanged old laptop with new one
56. had new roommates
57. Attended many parties
58. Fan – girled
59. Dreamt weird, scary dreams
60. Drank coffee
61. Ate a regular breakfast
62. Made conversations on FB
63. Stumbled- upon a lot
64. Played ultimate more frequently
65. Shared the gospel
66. Appreciated for the story of Christ
67. Procrastinated, crammed
68. Lived alone
69. Got addicted to lychee jelly
70. Discovered love for kimchi
71. Went on retreats
72. Attended birthday parties
73. Spent time reading manga
74. Watched movies in the cinema
75. Spent a whole afternoon in the Film Institute
76. Volunteered in a relief operation
77. Did groceries for donation
78. Accepted some truths
79. Questioned God
80. Answered by God
81. Watched the Lantern Parade
82. Introduced to Touch Rugby
83. Spent loads of cash
84. Moved to a dormitory
85. Listened to new songs
86. Edited some papers
87. Suffered from anxiety
88. Jogged around the oval
89. Got subjected to some embarassing but hilarious incidents
90. Blogged a few times
91 Engaged in a conversation with a stranger in the airport
92. Ordered food online
93. Trained a group
94. Ate at a fiesta
95. Downloaded RRL
96. Had a month- long crush
97. Chose new clothes and shoes
98. Woke up every morning
99. Feared God
100. Chose God

 

I Forgive You

It’s almost Christmas again. The startlingly fast passage of time reminded me of how long ago we have not talked. There remains a wide space of punctuated silences in my memories of you. Those silences only make it possible to highlight the moments of conversations we shared: the conversations of words and the conversations of company.

I forgive you. I forgive your silence and the power it had over me. For someone who has been comfortable with words, I never realized how their absence can reveal my insecurities and prompted me to spend hours filling the missing parts of your speech. You never explained, at least not the way I thought you should have, and that made me compose the explanation for you just to assure myself that you did become part of my life, and not just some well- developed character in my head.

I forgive you. I forgive you for leading me on to believe the best of myself ,and then, destroying that belief with a lie. With lies. With empty words that I filled with rainbows and fluff and gold dust so that I could pretend they were worth something.

I always prided myself in being independent. I thought I could take care of myself, and taking care of myself properly meant I was able to make the right decisions and to choose the correct choices. Allowing you in my life shattered that pride. You were a wrong choice. You were a wrong decision. I chose you, but you did not choose me. I was all guards up, closed fences, until you.  I let in someone this one time, and I let in the wrong stranger.  I had my worth anchored in the confidence I had of being the “intelligent one”, that was one quality I was sure of about myself. I did not care if the rest of the population were beautiful or likeable. At least, I was smart. I was so convinced of that fact that when you demonstrated how wrong I was, it left me unable to believe in anything else about myself. If that one basic truth I clung to was actually false, what other false truths about my life do I have to uncover?

I forgive you. I forgive you for making it difficult for me to forgive myself. A long time has passed, and yet, this rift between us still weighs me down. Every rememory of you comes with a fresh wave of anger, of shame, of confusion and uncertainty: about life, about people, about myself. It was only recently that I realized that the burden stems from the reality that I have not actually forgiven myself for being wrong. I cannot forgive myself for the failure to protect me from the hurt and the heartbreak. I have to struggle with myself to stop rebuilding the fences, to banish the line of guards and defenses in my heart.

I forgive you for the days when I would forget about the pain you caused me, but would still remember how I am capable of inflicting pain to myself.

The truth is, I have forgiven you. More times than I can remember. I forgave you that day I knew about the truth. I forgave you months after that, when people still asked me what happened to us. I forgave you during a bus ride, when I remembered again the stupid mistakes I committed because of you. I forgave you every time the memories decided to parade in my mind.

I shared this story and my ongoing struggle of making peace with it to a friend. She appreciated me for telling her; she understood better the answer Jesus gave when a man asked Him the number of times he has to forgive a person who has wronged him. I do, too. Now.

I forgive you. I forgive you because you taught me to forgive the way Jesus did. Not just seven times, but seventy time seven. A per person count.  Though I may not have hit the 490th count yet, I’m sure I’ve had some progress with you.

I forgive you because I need to. If I can forgive you, I can forgive myself. I can finally acknowledge that as much as I could have prevented the unnecessary complications and the bruising of my ego and esteem, you still chose to not choose me. You are responsible as much as I was, and you made that conscious decision to inflict pain on me. Once I accepted that truth, I can allow myself to offer you my forgiveness.

I forgive you because I was once forgiven too. The freedom of that forgiveness is one that I’d gladly share with anyone. Even to you.

(And now, your silence is no longer as deafening.)

 

Trust Me, I did not forget your birthday :)

I did not want to be the crappy friend who just posted a one- liner greeting on your time. At the same time, I also did not have enough time to something grand yesterday. So yeah. Hahaha (sorry, it’s all about me!)

Happy birthday Len! From being annoyed for having to sit behind you in some classes during first year (because you’re too tall to be in the front row!), I’m glad we were required to sit beside each other because of our last names. I remember our first conversation was when I butt in your discussion with Marianne about Naruto. Imagine how that conversation evolved into more conversations (even during an entire movie(sorry Nicole Kidman)) and memorable moments.Let’s make new ones please, we haven’t had them lately.

If words were food, I’m sure you will be one of the worst obese cases ever.

I hope 20 is just a number for you. And I wish you enjoyed your birthday amid the crazy world of balancing your acads and social life ehem. And and and, you did not miss us too much right? Haha.

You are a book yourself and I hope you never get tired of writing new chapters, whether it be in ink or experiences. And more importantly, you so so deserve to be read, you have one hell of a story to tell. Naks.

 

Happy birthday Len! Hope this is not too sabaw for you. See you soon mwa mwah hugs hugs hahaha

Stumbled- upon Memory

I was writing for my class paper a while ago; we were supposed to share our own interpretation of what ‘serendipity’ is in relation to the story we discussed in class. It was tempting to write about the more dramatic events of my life, and to pepper the write-up with profound thoughts about life and survival. While weighing the possibilities of having to write about a past tragedy and how our family survived it, I ‘stumbled upon’ a high school memory and decided to write about it instead. So here it is (hope I don’t get in trouble for this):

Of Coincidence and Magic*

            When I look back and reminisce about my high school days, I often find myself more amused than nostalgic. Back then, every memory seemed precious and genuine, but in retrospect, I realized how I have romanticized too many a moment to the point of being corny. Nonetheless, I am amazed that what I could have labeled as a coincidence now, I thought was magical back then.

It was my junior year, and we were celebrating our homeroom Christmas party. During that time, I had this huge crush on a senior. I used to get really quiet and awkward in his presence but eventually, we became friends and I could talk to him normally. That December, I could say that we were quite close already. On the day of the Christmas party, my friends teased me and asked if he gave me a gift for Christmas. I told them he has not, and I wasn’t expecting anyway.

After the respective homerooms concluded their Christmas parties and exchange gifts, the students stayed on campus and waited for the annual Lantern Parade. It was already late in the afternoon then when I felt my feet ache because of the sandals I was wearing. It was unbearable; I even thought of not joining the Lantern Parade, but I was worried because I might have to stay in the room alone. My classmates suggested that I wear slippers, but when I looked for someone who can lend me, no one had extra. So I left our room, and asked my friends from the other classes.

When I came across one of my crush’s classmates in the hallway, I asked her if she had an extra pair of slippers she could lend me. She answered, “You haven’t received (insert Crush’s name here)’s gift yet? Get it from him.” A few minutes later, I got a text from him to go to their room because he was going to give me something.

That Christmas, the best gift I received was a pair of bright yellow slippers. 🙂

*this is the actual content of the paper I am going to pass in class on Tuesday. So much for pretentious existential conclusions and intellectual musings. 😛

They will NOT believe You

.. when you tell people that you are already twenty years old, when in fact, you’ve already been twenty in the last few hours. And because today is your special day, I’m giving you a gift wrapped in words and good writing (because these are the most accessible to me as of the moment).
Here are twenty random things I remember about you, me, high school, college, and well, about the portion of your twenty years I got to witness 🙂

1. You wanted to be an astronaut when you were younger. I think you still do.

2. You are a mean athlete. Anyone ever saw you serve a ping- pong ball, spike a volleyball or dunk a basketball (well, this last one is definitely an exaggeration, forgive my imagination) would definitely volunteer to be head cheerleader of your fans club. (Now, we know why your crush stats go up come September ;))
3. You are attracted to the moon.

4. We were ‘accidental” or required to be friends, you, me and Esther. We were always seatmates  during first year because of our surnames.

5. Your hidden talent is singing. So please only unhide it when you’re convinced the people you’re with people genuinely love you no matter what. Joke lang meg. But to compensate, you are a bombshell dancer. (Yuck, did i just use bombshell?) You are seriously the best dancer ever 🙂
6. We were the first to find out we passed UPCAT!

and went to EK (during a very weird invitation, mind you)

7. You don’t finish your food most of the time. Haha.
8. You started FIKE’s sensitivity to “joy-joy” moments. 9. You do realize you were one of the four presidents in high school, and all four of us compose the top 4? Haha.
10. You “wanna know what love is (Geronimo, circa jeje)”. Chos.
11. We used to not talk when we were secretly pissed off with each other in the early morning classes, and pretend nothing happened come recess time. Aminin. Haha
12. I know  a lot of your crazy secrets and unKin deeds.
13. You know a lot of my crazy secrets and unIrish deeds.

as this picture suggests

 14. You owned a hamster during the zoo days of high school.
15. You won 1st place in our Running competition in PE, but well, we know what happened to your grade then 😛
16. You are a die- hard fan. The ultimate fangirl.
17. You have a gaydar. (This is how it works: you get attracted to the guy, and that’s how we know he is or will be likely gay) Joke Kin, we really love you! Swear :*
18.Most of these things are high school stuff.
19. Which means, we aren’t making much college memories no?
20. But you still remain to be one of my dearest, bestest friends, and we really have to talk soon I’m back by the way what.

Happy birthday Kin! You are a special person and you deserve all the love you are getting and more. I thank God for you and for our surviving friendship and confidante-ship ❤ Excited for you and the life of the line of twos. don’t worry, You’re part of the club tha Fro has been in last year pa, and Esther is just starting to enjoy the membership perks i think. I’ll be joining you in a few months.  Here.

I love you dai!

 

P.s. Seriously, we have to do better than bump into each other in random places in AS and what-not 🙂

P.s. 2 And if you are wondering what the gift wrapped in words et cetera is. It is the collection of memories and remembrances, my friend. Yes, because I am profound, cheesy, and broke like that. And when else can we get all mushy and sweet, but on birthdays, right? 🙂

Because I am a horrible friend for not greeting you on your birthday

Ever since college, we’ve always been missing each other’s birthdays. We look so jeje in this picture, but I’m so happy you were one of the people who made high school extra memorable for me: from our similar tastes in crushes (ehem ehem, more or less) , our Christmas parties, the mandatory FIKE pictures, and to the faith we share and all the other moments we had together. You are already 20! You are one special and cool person, and never forget that. I miss you a lot, swear! may God make you feel loved everyday. I love you dai ❤

Yesterday was Your Graduation

Yesterday, you finally graduated from high school.

Yesterday, after four years of hard work and challenges, you got your diploma.

Yesterday, you remembered how difficult the journey has been, especially your senior year, but you survived it.

Yesterday, your graduation was attended by Mama, Ted, and tita.

 

Yesterday, Papa, Toto, and I were too far away to be able to go to your graduation ceremonies— but we would have badly wanted to be there if it was possible.

Yesterday, you must have reflected on how faithful and generous God has been in your life, how His love and affection for you g

ot you through it all.

Yesterday, I know you shed tears of joy and victory and maybe sadness.

Yesterday, you must know I was very proud of you. And I still am. And I will always be.

You have been very strong and I hope you never forget the lessons that high school taught you. I won’t tell you what college is about, it’s a whole new adventure waiting to be discovered.

Your faith and dedication for God continues to inspire me. Do what you love doing. Remember, I am just a text or message away. I love you.

Congratulations, Aya! ❤ You’ve made us all proud.